1) Lactic acid is the Spartan's friend. The Spartan knows the value of anaerobic failure, and actively seeks it out. If he falls on his face, he waits only as long as necessary to move again before he continues.
2) The Spartan takes no breaks between exercises, unless it's to shove a non-Spartan out of the way.
3) The Spartan runs. He does not use Stairmasters, or stationary bikes, or ellipticals. He runs.
4) When the Spartan cannot run, he walks. When he cannot walk, he crawls. When he cannot crawl, he has failed.
5) The Spartan hits big muscles, like the back, the pectorals, the quadriceps and the glutes. He knows this means he is building functional muscle that will assist in the destruction of his enemies and in the production of testosterone (of which the Spartan has more than the average man).
6) By contrast, the Spartan does not waste much time on small muscles. They will grow as the result of functional exercise that hits the big muscles (see above). For example, the bicep is only useful in that it assists with chin-ups, and scaling enemy fortifications. Anything else is vanity.
7) The Spartan abhors cables and machines. This is for two reasons. First, to activate stabilizer muscles, the Spartan must depend on himself to balance the weight, not a machine. Second - look up the adjective "spartan" in the dictionary: "strict and austere." You should be able to do a Spartan workout in a FOB (field of battle).
8) The Spartan fears only one thing: his workout. The enemy pales in comparison to his workout. If he doesn't fear his workout, it isn't hard enough.
9) Puking is acceptable. Quitting is not. If he gives up here, he gives up in battle. This is unacceptable.
10) So nature abhors a vacuum, so the Spartan loathes missing a workout. A Spartan can complete a workout in his grandma's basement, a hotel room, or in a city park.
11) If the Spartan is not in pain during his workout, he is wrong.
12) The Spartan never cheats. He maintains proper technique throughout his training, because he knows that smooth is fast, and that he will be mocked mercilessly for, "girly pull-ups".
13) The Spartan knows the value of the basics: the push-up, the pull-up, the chin-up, the sit-up, the squat, and the dead-lift. He also knows the importance of variety, and seeks out different techniques of the above.
By: Captain Paul Lindsay, British Columbia Regiment (Duke of Connaught's Own)
Hey! I never said I wanted to be a Spartan! I just wanted to feel/look better in my dress at my daughter's wedding. Look where that path lead me . . . crazy . . . good stuff!
ReplyDeleteIt is pretty interesting what this has turned in to for you isn't it :)
ReplyDelete14) The Spartan must post overwrought gibberish to the Internet that reveals just how little experience the Spartan has with long term training.
ReplyDelete15) The Spartan must at no time actually excel in any physical activity that might be mistaken for a actual sport that other people care about, and should be constantly ready with an explanation about how people who do excel in such sports aren't really fit.
Can one scale the Spartan lifestyle / workouts for the handicapped?
ReplyDeleteI require a wheelchair to get around, and I wanted to know how a Spartan can crush her enemies without "running, walking, or crawling," but rolling!
Thank you for your time,
Jennifer, 21
You forgot about the physical and sexual abuse that a Spartan warrior would routinely inflict upon boys under his tutelage.
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, only a jackass would think his commitment to circuit training puts him on par with fictional, cartoonish ideals of Greek warriors that only exist in movies and his own mind.